What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 05:19
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What are some great short jokes?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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So, i spoilt her more .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My life is so biszare .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
So whats the point in blame.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im still living with it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Comes on , in middle age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My family never makes their pension either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It was going to be , some day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
I write beautiful poetry .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.